Don’t you hate those Sundays where you ask yourself, “what in the world did I accomplish this week?” I’ve had A LOT of these instances recently, which constantly drag me down and make me feel helpless. I guess the good part about this is that at least I’m recognizing that change needs to happen. Before I brushed everything aside with that “IDGAF” attitude. In fact that attitude was affecting my life in ways I never expected. I usually take pride for the fact that I love my friends and would do anything for them. However, over the past few months I’ve let several people down and it didn’t bother me. Recently, my memory of these occurrences have been on replay. I’ve been a terrible friend, brother, and son. I am sorry to all the people I’ve offended or hurt in any way.
Not too long ago, I’ve had this spark to change in all aspects of my life. This has helped me get a hint of what I want to do with my future. I want to be well grounded and not afraid of the challenges that will come my way. I want to use stress as an advantage to fuel my dreams. It is so easy to get caught up in the hardships that are thrown at you. Sometimes you catch what’s thrown at you, but other times you drop the ball. Shit happens, I just gotta learn to deal with it. I want to continue to value friendship and family and be there for the people that have been there for me. When I have wrinkles all over and trouble breathing, moving, and speaking, I want to be able to pick up my phone (iphone 15?) to call my fam and homies to tell them I still got mad love. As for now, I still got love for all those closest to my heart. I got your backs like chiroprac..
What I miss from SD:
-the beach and skimboarding in warm ocean water
-authentic mexican food
-food in general
-chillin at Arthurs place and wrecking people in super smash
-cookin with Arthur and the gang
-late night longboard trips
-campus perks, and UCSD in general
-ballin’ with jerms (on and off the court)
-“working out” with jerms, jenny, heidi
-folding my laundry, only to have everyone else mess it up
-late night movies
-tearing up the mic at nrb
-tearing up the dance floor..everywhere.
-laughing and smiling a lot
-saturday morning workouts which were completely pointless from my 15 dollar breakfasts at ovt.
-being unproductive and writing hum essays at 5 in the morning
-nerts, rummy, mao
-being a freshman, and being fresh..man.
-seeing the look on peoples faces after saying a corny joke
What I hope to gain in Oregon:
-purpose and meaning
-accepting and understanding change
-getting good at something by desire, want, and need
-a peacoat cuz its gettin’ cold
At this point in my life I can’t help but run into problem after problem. Every time I’m like Nelly and I’m in a dilemma I tend to ask myself question after question. I over analyze pretty much every aspect of my life and I find myself being pessimistic towards a handful of things. Even the things that I wouldn’t expect to be a burden, become something that I can’t bear and even stand, to the point where I just want to move on, walk away, and start from scratch. At times I feel like I put in way too much time and effort and get nothing in return. Sometimes its as if the whole world is against me, however, I dig deep and picture my best friends being there for me and because of them I stay driven. So this is a shout out to the people that make me happy and keep me smiling at what life is throwing at me. Even if its a handful of doo doo, I’m gonna dodge that s*** like Neo dodgin’ bullets in the Matrix. Eventually in the the end, whether I chose the red pill, blue pill, Oregon, or Cali, I’m gonna come out on top.
One thing I can’t stand are hypocrites. I know at times I probably am one, but I believe hypocrisy is bound to happen for everyone. Being lectured in general, especially by parents, is one of the things I also can’t stand. Today when I got home I had one of the most confusing/anger provoking/meaningful conversation with my dad. To make a long story short, my dad was preaching without practicing, yet at the same time, taught me not to do what he did. Sounds pretty confusing when I say it out loud I guess, but in my head it made a lot of sense to me.
A lot of the talks I’ve had lately have been about my future. I know the future is important and all, but seriously how does not hanging out with friends as much help me figure out my future (biggest load of BS I’ve heard)? Its not like more time at home is going to give me that “aha” moment of what I want to do. So I’m pretty much on lockdown for no good reason. Why can’t I just wait for school to start and take the classes that interest me and figure it out from there. What more is there to do to figure out my future? If I was B.O.B. or Ray J, “I could really use “One Wish” right now” to get me out of Oregon.
I never thought this day would come..a lazy guy like me working..during summer. Today was my first day ever working a job, which is only temporary, but definitely worth the short experience. For 9 hours I pretty much walked around stocking stuff and organizing what was out on the floor, and my feet were swollen at the end of the day because my dress shoes have no padding whatsoever. Its funny cause when people came up to me asking for help I’d start off by saying, “I’m sorry I just work the stock room”, and I wondered if people working there even knew my name, or if they just referred to me as “the stock room guy”.
Prior to doing something productive with my summer, I’ve been in a “I could care less” type of mood with almost everything I did. The fact that I’m working and enjoying what most people would find painstaking is a bizarre thought that crosses my mind. Now that I have something to keep me on my feet and moving, I’ve been in a pretty joyful mood, besides the fact that I still need to make up my mind about my future. Anyways, next week I’ll actually be starting my real job, and even though it’ll probably be busy work, I’m still looking forward to it.
Even though I had such a great day today, I’m still on edge because tomorrow is the deadline to decide if I will accept my loans and go back to UCSD or stay in Oregon. Although I told my dad that I’d most likely be going to PSU, I can’t keep the thought of San Diego out of my head. Something inside me is telling me that San Diego was meant to be. However, that could be the sunny weather, the friendly people, and the beautiful campus talking. Those three things aren’t a good enough reason to pay all that money and go back when I could save tons by going to PSU. Yet, if I go back, the next three years of college will be the happiest time of my life, guaranteed, no doubt about it. I believe over just one year at UCSD, I’ve built a lot of character, and learned a lot of things that’ll carry on with me for the rest of my life. Most importantly, I’ve met friends that will always be my friends no matter what I do or say (remember your pinky promise Jenny!).
Although I postponed things and have been unsure of what to do, the right decision will be made. All things happen for a reason, and if that reason is bad, than something good will eventually come out of it. Sometimes you just gotta keep on keepin’ on, and remember that life’s a garden..so dig it (thank you Joe Dirt for such inspirational quotes). I’m so excited/scared/nervous/anxious of what tomorrow has in store for me.
I remember the summer days where I’d wake up at 3 everyday, watch reruns of a hit TV show (probably boy meets world or fresh prince), and eat all the junk food I could get my hands on. Those days used to be my favorite, but now I can’t stand being home doing nothing. I just recently got my first job (can’t believe it) at this yogurt place, but my boss hasn’t called me in for training like he said he would. My boss is already frustrating me and I haven’t even started working yet (thanks Tyler for the heads up). On top of my yogurt job, I landed a temp job at Nordstroms stocking stuff for the women’s department hahaha. I’m probably gonna be the only dude there, and I heard everyone else that stocks stuff are old grandmas so I’m sure its gonna be either pretty interesting or boring.
Anyways, I was supposed to go in for a new hire orientation today but it got postponed for tomorrow morning. I was so pumped to go in for the orientation because at least I’d be doing something, even if it was for four hours. Since the orientation got pushed to tomorrow, I did absolutely nothing today. Today was only like the second day I was home all day with nothing to do. I was so bored that I almost did nrb today..by myself at home..I even set up everything, but for some reason it didn’t work. I just want to do something productive with my life otherwise i’m gonna go crazy. Before I used to love having down time just to relax, but now I see myself constantly surrounded by other people, and I’m not completely sure why I’ve changed in that sense.
On top of the extreme boredom I’ve been suffering, I can’t help but think of what I could be doing if I was still in college, or San Diego alone. If I was in SD I’d just be able to walk to the beach everyday and just chill and skim board. Also, all the memories of this past school year come flooding back, and it hurts because I don’t know if I’ll be able to experience those memories again. I really miss the people from college A LOT, and I wish I could go visit them, or they could visit me, but its the whole distance and money thing thats stopping that from happening. However, I’m blessed to have my good friends in Oregon, because without them I really don’t know where I’d be or what I’d be doing this summer.
Today was just a reminder that everybody has problems in life. No matter how great your life may seem, there is always one aspect that will drive you crazy and stress you out. The thing that hurts the most, is when the people closest to you are struggling, because it just makes you feel bad. Of course I feel sympathetic, but I tend to blame myself for not doing enough to help those certain people cope with their problems. As a son, brother, or best friend I feel like its my duty to be there for the people that matter most, and when those people are constantly suffering and can’t seem to get better, I feel like I’ve failed my duty. Lately, I’ve been thinking hard about my role in others’ lives, and for some people I feel like my role is almost nonexistent. The weird thing that bothers me is that with those people I have this “whatever” attitude in response to everything that they do. I feel like I know why I’ve been thinking this way, but for some reason I choose not to believe its true, because sometimes the truth hurts.
Also, when other people suffer, it just reminds me of my problems that I try my best to ignore. Thats why I tend to be around the people I’m most comfortable with, since its easy to forget the current hardships. However, when the ones closest to me are suffering it makes my difficulties even harder to bare. Whenever I’m alone, I can’t help but think about the frustrations in my life. I just want everything to be over with so I can move on and continue to live my life.
I can’t stress this enough, but i’ll say this until my last breath, that money is the root of all evil. However, its a love, hate relationship, because although i can’t stand the fact that there’s a harsh social ladder, I dream to climb to the top where the living is easy. If I were to say something about money, I think Rihanna took the words straight from my mouth, “I hate how much I love you”. Back in the day, I’d ask and receive, and my life was carefree. Money was just paper that i’d recycle each and every time I was out of the house. Now I have to constantly keep a stack of bills in my wallet and try to make it last as long as possible. Its hard when you have friends that are always hanging out and going out to eat, watching movies, etc. The old me wants to join them, but I know that I have to hold back on my desires to spend money when I don’t need to.
Now, money is the issue that stands between me and my future. Its either San Diego or PSU, and if money wasn’t an issue I’d be going back to UCSD in a heartbeat. The loans are there, its just I’d be putting myself into financial hardship after my 4 years of undergrad schooling. My reasoning for going back is somewhat childish though. Honestly, I just want to embrace the environment and the people that were always there for me and made me… me. The thing is, friends always come and go, no matter what you do, and you have to choose whats right for you even if it means being apart from the people that matter most. I’m not trying to say that I don’t love the people here in Oregon, its just everything in Cali is so different. Everyday at school i’d wake up and feel like I was dreaming, because I was overwhelmed with blessings. This past 6 months or so has been the most emotional time of my life. I’ve seen family breaking apart, all because of issues with money. To those of you that read this and are going to San Diego next year (you should know who you are) please don’t forget about the past we shared and the memories. No matter what we will always be best friends.
All them Oregonians were singing “Baby Come Back”, and so now i’m back like chiroprac..tic. The day I left to La Jolla and arrived in Carlsbad, I felt like a part of me just died from all the goodbyes. No joke, it was one of the most emotional goodbyes I’ve ever experienced.Going to Carlsbad right after made things harder to handle because it was the first time in a long time I had seen my mom’s side of the family, and to me it was another goodbye which was like the icing on the cake.
Leaving was hard to bare because the day before I left was the most special day of my life. Thanks to all my SD friends I got some red Dre beats, and some red puffed up eyes from the tears which streamed down my face. Not gonna lie, sometimes a mans gotta cry haha, and I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s care for me, that I got a little emotional. That Friday, was like the surprise birthday I had always hoped for. In the past I’ve always imagined how a surprise for me would play out, and that day was nothing how I had previously envisioned it. To be honest, I kind of caught on to it, from the whole present thing in the morning. By the way guys (Jenny, Heidi, Jerms) I think that present may be better than the beats! Its a good thing tokbox was invented..
Sometimes I wish that I could turn back the hands of time like R. Kelly, just so i’d have it all. My spacious room, my car, pool table, hot tub, sauna, etc. Back in my early high school days, my place was the chill spot. I was spoiled and got pretty much anything I asked for. When a financial crisis hit, of course I was bitter to leave my house for several reasons. I was moving out of the city i’d lived in since I was three, I didn’t have a car, and I was afraid of judgement. As time passed, I always wished that I never moved, but things weren’t as bad as I thought they would be. It wasn’t until coming to college when I truly realized that I was just being selfish, and I didn’t want to move because of my own worldly desires. I eventually got over it, and was thankful that I had a roof over my head and my family was still there for me, even though times were hard. However, coming to college and trying to figure out a solution to next year’s tuition, I’m constantly plagued with the thought of how simple things would be if my family never experienced an economic downfall. Lately, I’ve been reminiscing about the old days, not just when I was well off, but way back to my childhood. I’ve been picking apart my memory, thinking about each and every friend I ever had, and how our lives have changed. I find it strange how every spring I reconnect with people that I haven’t talked to in ages. Sometimes, it even hurts to think that so many people in my life have just disappeared. Sounds cliche, but I guess thats just the way life works, some people come and go, whereas true friends are the ones that are always there no matter what.